The maple is going down, and finally my garden will be complete. I never thought I’d actually WIN an argument against my neighbour Emma. Of course now she’s making out like she just changed her mind, all by herself…but she sits on a throne of lies.

Eventually I wore her down and made her see my side of the argument: that tree is an eyesore. It blooms once every six months even though the seed packet promised otherwise, and it’s honestly not all that nice. It drop leaves and block my view from upstairs. Of course, my neighbour is an environmentalist and has been against the idea of having the tree removed. It’s right in the middle of the garden, where it blocks the view of trees that are actually nice.

I’ve heard it all “Oh, it just needs some tree pruning! Melbourne doesn’t have very many maple trees so it has to stay.”  How about no.

We’ve had professional tree pruners in to take a look (because me and my chainsaw aren’t good enough, clearly) and it’s still standing.

I said to Emma, I said “Emma! That darn thing better be gone by Christmas or they’ll be trouble. It’s blocking my window view of the attractive guy across the street. Mama needs her sugar Yelena. If it’s not gone soon, I’m going to David Copperfield this business and make it vanish!”

The thought of me sneaking out one night with my hatchet and lopping the tree down in some haphazard way was apparently too much for her.

Next weekend the whole family will be here, since we’re the only ones with enough space to host. They’ll have to deal with looking at this gnarled stump out in the garden. If it’s properly warm me might move the gathering outside.

Emma has been on the phone to a dozen Melbourne arborists. She probably wants it humanely removed, the way she dotes on that gnarled, useless tree. In any case, I’m getting the view of my garden back. The maple failed, and I’m going to find something much better to replace it! Maybe a 6 foot statue of my cat.