I think it’s about time I built a barbed wire fence around my property. It’s probably best if I don’t tell you why, because I could get in trouble with a lot of people, but trust me when I say that enough is enough. Today, I’ll be getting some barbed wire and building a homemade fence to keep the things that are bothering me out. I don’t care if I have to search every single hardware shop in the Cheltenham area. I’m going to find some barbed wire, and I’m going to put so much of it around that everyone will think fifteen times before entering my property without permission. 

You know what? I’m just sick of this. I am going to tell you what has been bothering me. Pirates. That’s right, it’s pirates. There must be some treasure under my house or something because I keep being raided by pirates. Why can’t they leave me alone and go back to their rotting pirate ships or something? They’re getting more daring, too. Yesterday, I had pirates jump from a helicopter and parachute down to my house. I set my dogs on them as soon as they landed, and thankfully they fled. I’m not going to put up with this any longer.

Setting up barbed wire fences is only the first part of my plan. Once that’s done, I’m going to go find the best building supplies around Cheltenham and use them to create barriers that will act as a further deterrent. From there, I’ll be setting up a wide variety of traps to keep the pirates out. The pirates have made it clear this will be a prolonged war, so I’ll be taking it very seriously. They won’t be able to get past my defences, especially once I have set up the laser beams. If they want the treasure under my house, they’ll have to step up their game. Come at me, pirates!