Chances of finding an appropriate home: low. I’m an accountant, and I’m estimating our chances at around 6%. Maybe I just don’t know the Melbourne property market quite that well, which I suppose is why we’re also looking for someone to…’look’ for us. Thank heavens for small mercies. Wasn’t anything like a property advocate around Melbourne when I was younger, although it was also a time when people made do with what they had.

I don’t envy the task we’re giving them though. I used to work in retail, AND I spent three years as a plumber, so I have a great deal of sympathy for people in jobs that aren’t mine. Now we’re sending out a buyers advocate with a list of demands as long as both of my arms put together. If they don’t come up with sheer perfection, I’m not going to hold it against them. So I really wanted the lounge to be east-facing, so that it catches the sun in the morning. Also, a very good-sized study is an absolute must. I’m not putting up with that broom cupboard any longer. Lacey wants a massive kitchen with an island in the middle, so she can conduct her own special brand of mad science with her baking. She’s also pretty adamant that there be three bathrooms, one downstairs and two upstairs. She’d love four with an en-suite in the guest bedroom, but…well, our budget isn’t unlimited. And then we went and gave the kids a chance to add in their suggestions and things went off the rails. Anastasia wants a pool, Samuel apparently NEEDS a room that’ll just be for gaming. We’ll see…perhaps it can be multi-purpose, but for that it’ll need to be decent size.

Those cover about…half of our recommendations? So in the history of Melbourne’s buyers advocates, we’re probably going down in the books as those nightmare clients who nobody will ever want to work for, ever again. I don’t blame them, to be honest. I don’t think our dream home exists in this solar system, let alone Melbourne.