Alright, so my new policy is that couples shouldn’t play sport. Ever. There’s never a good reason for that.

Couples should do plenty of things together, like going on holiday and climbing a mountain, if both of them are into it. The mountain thing, obviously…everyone is into going on holiday. But I’ve seen enough doubles partners get into blazing rows that end in divorces to say that there are better places to work out your marital issues. Like, say, the comfort of your own home! In the private atmosphere of the car! When you’re both on top of a mountain! That sort of thing, you know?

The nets have done nothing to deserve this, is what I’m saying. I just see far too many arguments end in people destroying the sports netting, as if it’s the one that caused all the marital troubles. It’s a surprisingly common sequence of events: couple starts losing a game, the pressure and the tiredness causes all of the anger and old issues to bubble up, then people start wrecking everything around them because oh yeah, the sporting equipment is fair game. It was your bat that said those mean things about you when you’d been dieting. It was totally the squash racket that was kissing Emma the intern in the copy room. And how very dare the cricket nets suggest that maybe Darryl and Tia’s wedding was more important than going to some stupid concert, Amy.

Look, as the quartermaster of this leisure centre, I’m sick and tired of people taking out their marital stresses on the equipment. I know sport is stressful, finals are stressful, and it’s easy to let all that boil over until you have to find something to smash that isn’t a person’s skull, but…think of the cricket netting. We’re on our third set this year, and it’s only March. I’m thinking we need some marital counselling in this place.